70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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