Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
