Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
