I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
