It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
