Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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