im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize