I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
