the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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