I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
