omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
