I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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