I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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