And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
