Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You pole danced in your parka.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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