Well douche your snatch and let's go!
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
