Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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