you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
