theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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