i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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