By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
