Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
