Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She said her name was "party"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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