I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
