she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
