It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
