I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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