Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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