Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
