Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
