That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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