omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
