my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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