I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
