Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
