he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize