I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
