I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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