if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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