tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
