I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
