On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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