Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
