I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
