i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
