Define "chronic" masturbator.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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