I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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