The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
