I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize