k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
