I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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