I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
