all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
