his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
