New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
