Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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