So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
