he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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